Back In Town

*J is behind the counter today. If you're in a Christmas Ice-Cream type mood, we made some great homemade Peppermint Ice-Cream this morning before we opened. It's pretty good and the kids in town really like it.*

...and, one scoop of Peppermint Ice-Cream for you. Everything tastes better when it's homemade, don't you think?

You know, I've been asked that question a lot today. It seems everyone who stops in today wants to know where ''ve been! The second-most-popular question today is "why are you open today?"

Well, that last one's the easiest one to answer. I'm open because this is a great time of year to be open! All the kids are out of school, the college students are home for the next couple of weeks...The Soda Fountain's a great place for old friends to meet and talk. And I love this season! I love seeing everyone who stops in and says "hi". I love hearing the stories that are told, reflecting on the year that has passed, and I just love being here. It's warm, it's comfortable, it's familiar, it's safe. I don't have nearly as many bar brawls as the Corner Tavern across the street!

But the first question, the one everyone is dying to know, isn't as brief. I swear, it's like I'm Willy Wonka and I just started up my factory again.

Man, how cool would it be to have a glass elevator that could go anywhere?

Truthfully, I've just been busy with other pursuits. You know, I inherited this soda fountain from my grandfather. In fact, our family has owned the building that the Soda Fountain and all these other shops sit in for the better part of a century. The income I get from renting out the space ensures that I don't have to work this place full time. Plus, the fact that the Soda Fountain isn't always open has been part of the mystique of the place. My grandfather started the tradition of closing for months at a time when he got older and started traveling the world. I think they were his two loves, this soda fountain and travel.

Everyone knew when he was back in town from some far-off land. The butcher's paper he'd use to keep prying eyes away would come off of the windows, he'd fire up all the lights and spend 12 hours with us boys washing and mopping and making sure the place was spotless. We'd spend some time making a couple of fresh batches of ice creams and sodas, and open the next day. By the end of our clean-up day, kids and adults alike would peer through the front windows at us working away. They'd knock and smile and shout something about seeing us tomorrow when we were open.

The difference between my grandfather and I is that his absences were exciting. Some of the stories he told about his trip to India were awesome. And, I'm sure, quite embellished. But me? Well...

I've been in the studio. The most exciting part about it is the fact that it's been Capitol Record's studio in Los Angeles. But that's about it. Truthfully, I'm happy to be taking a little break from recording for the next week. Oh, I have my homework to do. After I close the shop each day, I have to go through and listen to each of the 10 songs and make notes about how I want to produce it, mix it. All that jazz. But it's also great to be here, be back in the old home town. It's really great to see you.

When am I closing again? January third, give or take. I know, I know. It's an awfully brief time. But the GOOD NEWS is that I've got some great treats this week! I have recording time already booked back in Los Angeles at the start of the new year.

But let's just enjoy the time we have together over the holidays, huh?

Want a cup of coffee to wash down the ice-cream? It's on the house...

2005 In Review

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?

I snorkeled. It was really cool.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No…pretty much everyone who gave birth was very far away from me.

3. Did anyone close to you die?

No, it was the first year in a while that my friends all survived. Mostly because they stopped sky-diving with rabid pit-bulls.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?

The Wife and I went to Hawaii in September. There are just too many awesome memories of our time there, but the best was probably sea-kayaking.

5. Best thing you bought?

I spent way too much money on studio equipment this year but none of it was a mistake. Best purchases are my ProTools Mbox 2 and my new heavy-duty workhorse-of-a-computer in the studio.

6. Where did most of your money go?

I funded a study by university students of predicting earthquakes with the common household blender. It was expensive, with negligible results.

7. What do you wish you had done more of?

Stalking local movie starlets. I really slacked off this year.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?

Playing tuba in the courtyard of my apartment complex at 3 AM. My neighbors have NO sense of humor. I just couldn’t stop myself…

9. What kept you sane?

Music. Listening and playing. And a lot of therapy.

10. What drove you mad?

My boss. He’s kind-of a boob.

11. What made you celebrate?

Honestly? Just being alive. And my dreams make me celebrate.

12. What made you sad?

My loneliness.

13. How was your birthday this year?

It was fine. Nothing to jump up and slap grandma about, but it was fine.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?

Politics in California…well, they’re just plain bizarre. Get a bunch of people in one place who aren’t willing to take responsibility when they should, and you have California.

15. Were you in love in 2005?

Yes. Except when I wasn’t. But then I was again, so it's all good.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?

Mostly, I have everything that I need. The things that I want are inconsequential when I have what I need. Having said that, I’d like more job satisfaction. Oh, and continued progress on Artificial Heart, which is taking FOREVER to finish recording.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?

The year was pretty consistent, and it was consistently “good”. There are a lot of great dates but none of them stand out over the others. I spent a day at Capitol Records recording studio, which was an amazing experience.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?

Impossible for me to answer. Music is the air I breathe. A brief list of the songs that rocked my world in 2005:
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger – Daft Punk
Miracle – Foo Fighters
Such Great Heights – by both Iron and Wine as well as The Postal Service
You and I – Delirium
Jennifer’s Jacket – The Presidents of the United States of America

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?

Much happier, thank you. Seriously, this last year has been 10 times better than any year in recent memory.

20. Biggest achievement this year?

Every step forward with Rhymes With Orange is a new “Biggest Achievement”. Continued addiction recovery is quite an achievement as well.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?

Not being able to work with Trent Reznor or David Gilmour.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?

Having my potential recognized at work with more challenging projects.

23. Best new person you met this year?

No one comes to mind…all my friends (old and new) are pretty damn awesome.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?

Sucking water into your car’s engine through an after-market air filter installed too low to the ground by the car’s previous owner is a very bad thing. Especially on a freeway on-ramp. In driving rain. With cars whizzing past. When the car was purchased less than 72 hours prior to this event.

Yeah, don’t do that. Try to avoid that at all costs, actually.

ChickyBabe Stops By the Pharmacy

*the bell over the door jingles as a beautiful blonde steps into the pharmacy and towards the Soda Fountain*

“I knew I’d find you here on a rainy day like today” she said.

Oh, hey, ChickyBabe. How’s the unpacking coming along in your new house?

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing. The rain makes me want to curl up on my couch and listen to some rainy-day CDs, but I moved my couch into my spare bedroom to make more space for the guests to mingle last night.”

Oh, hey, yeah. Thanks for inviting me to your little shindig! I think I told you last night that I’m a little shy and don’t go out with big groups of strangers often, but I had a really good time getting to know some of your neighbors. And it’s exciting to know that you’re within walking distance of the Soda Fountain. Maybe I can drop by sometime, see what’s going on over at your “nest”.

“Ooh, that was a BAD one, J. Hey, Soda Jerk, can I get a….oh! Hi, Craig! Can I get a latte?

“I didn’t get a chance to ask you last night, how’s the CD coming?”

Phillip and I had a three-hour rehearsal on Saturday that went really well. It looks like we’ll be recording the first weekend in November.

But I tell you, ChickyBabe, I only have nine songs that are currently ready to be recorded. I need to have at least ten. I have two more guitar riffs that could be developed into songs, but I’m running out of time. Phillip and I only have two more weekend of available rehearsal space before they close down for renovation. It’s an external deadline for which I hadn’t planned.

Basically, my task this week is to work those last two riffs into full songs before Saturday.

Throw on top of that the fact that I just changed recording platforms from Acid to the industry standard of ProTools, and I’m a little antsy. ProTools has about a billion times more power and better quality for what I’m doing, which is great and all, but I really wish I didn’t have to learn new software now and could just focus on recording.

Finally, I’m not sure my year-end bonus (which is funding the project) is going to be as much as I had hoped. We could run into financial issues when it comes time to press the discs for distribution. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it…

So, if there are days when you don’t see me at the Soda Fountain, it usually means I’m holed up in my home studio with an acoustic guitar working out chord progressions, melodies, harmonies, and lyrics.

What, is the latte not strong enough? It looks like you’re nodding off…get back to unpacking! Invite me over sometime…as long as it’s after March 15.

Downpour

*the door to the pharmacy jingles and I head straight for the counter of the Soda Fountain*

Man! What a downpour out there! I’ll never understand why Californians are so afraid of the rain...I just love days like today.

I’m glad you’re here. I just spoke with my friend, the music producer. Man, am I naive.

Did you know that everyone uses pitch correction on vocals? Everyone. I’m a purist…this was a little shocking. Obviously, the flash-in-the-pan flavor-of-the-month artists use it. But I’d like to think that some of the bigger artists, who I respect, don’t use it. I was wrong. My friend gave me several examples of people who ooze talent and creativity and use pitch correction. People you’ve heard of, people who have been around and sold millions of albums.

It’ll be great to get his input on the project. Like anyone who takes great pride in his creativity, I’d much rather hear “this has so much potential” instead of “ummmm…all I can think to say is ‘no’.” Still, fresh perspective is always appreciated. And it’s a huge favor that he’s doing. Even if nothing comes of it in the sense that he connects me to everyone in the business and I get rich and famous, his feedback will allow me to further hone these songs.

I’m still as ambiguous about “fame and fortune” as ever, by the way. On the one hand, I’d love to be able to make some money off my talents. I’d love to be on stage, too. But the idea of touring endlessly for 10 years just to build a name and giving up all of the things that make my life so wonderful…well, that’s not very appealing.

Well, that’s about all I have time for today. Just wanted to stop by the Soda Fountain and say hi to the regulars. That, and they make the best Vanilla Cokes here.

Drink up!

Turn-offs (Part the Second)

The awkward pause, lasting seconds but feeling like weeks, rings through the auditorium like only silence can. The crowd shifts in their seats as J stands uncomfortably on the stage, seemingly evaluating his decision to expose himself in front of so many people. A single cough pierces the silence.

Finally, J steps back to the microphone and clears his throat, saying:

3. Women with dark hair on their bodies where it shouldn’t be. This includes (but is not limited to) hairy armpits, mustaches, beards, hairy chests, hairy butts, hairy legs, and hairy feet. Now, my definition of “hairy” isn’t “a few hairs around the nipples.” I’m talking hairy like a Hobbit. Women with that much hair, well, they disturb me. Frighten me. And women that hairy generally don’t smell very good.

4. Speaking of which, intense body odor is a turn-off. Ladies, a little bit of “musk” during sexual congress is intoxicating. But sweating like you’re on a treadmill at the gym while giving off the accompanying odor is not enticing. If you’re going to shave to get rid of all that hair, you might as well shower and wash up, too.

Turn ons and turn offs (part the first)

And so, we begin. The house lights dim, the audience shifts impatiently and anxiously in their seats. J takes center stage, under a single spotlight, and says into the microphone:

1. Wasps. Actually, the threat of being stung by any insect is a turn-off. Fear of injury just doesn't do it for me. Obviously, I’m not into S&M.

2. New-Age music. I don’t need to re-align my chakra, thanks.

You are the socket, I am the plug. Turn me on, baby. Turn me on.

Back at the beginning of August, ChickyBabe invited me to tell the world my top ten turn-ons and turn-offs. A month and a half later, here we go.

Why so long to rise to the challenge, you ask? Well, it really boils down to one simple question; Do my parents and sister, who have this blog address and read on occasion, really need to know what turns me on? Good God, that’s a tough question to answer.

I mean, how badly do I want my family to know how perverted I am? Should I mention stuff about dressing up in girlie clothes? Or that I can only achieve release when thinking about dwarves and midgets?

Thankfully, those aren’t on any list I’ve ever made. So, we’re safe there. Still, how exposed do I want to be?

Well, tomorrow we begin. Why dish it out all at once? Especially given how verbose I can be.

Look out, world. I’m the cyber-guy standing on the cyber-street corner in the cyber-trench coat. Prepare to be awed.

Or, at least, slightly embarrassed. For me.

Hey, lay off. It’s cold out here.

More Pics for ChickyBabe

ChickyBabe requested more pictures, so here you go. Hope you all enjoy.

Sunrise from the ship

Fanning Island - Paradise Found

Beach Hut

Babe and Boats

J's Feet in Paradise

Notes From Hawaii (Part the Fourth) - News from Da Cruze

Well, it’s been an interesting day at sea.

I played Monopoly for the first time today. My hunch was correct…I’m no better at managing Monopoly money than I am real money. You can kiss my big Community Chest, Mrs. Moneybags!

The excitement started when we were having lunch. We spotted something orange and floating in the distance, something that looked about the size of a life raft. We told our server, and he advised us that he was sure it was nothing to worry about. We ordered our food and took him at his word.

About 20 minutes later, we felt the ship start to lean to the starboard…and lean hard. Further than we should have been leaning. We heard china crashing and breaking in the kitchen, we heard heavy thuds from items falling to the floor on the deck above…it was intense. The servers all looked a little afraid; it appeared that no one really knew what was going on. I kept a clear head in case this really WAS “Titanic, Part II”, but I was sufficiently concerned.

I looked back at our wake and noticed we were turning, and turning rapidly. This ship turns on a dime, which is pretty impressive! It’s no leaky dingy! Anyway, it was at this point that I was sure we were going back to take a closer look at said floating orange object. It really did look like some sort of raft to us when we saw it at first.

It was nothing. It turns out it was some kind of discarded air tank. The captain came on the PA system later and told us that he had notified the proper authorities of the object. We turned around (much more slowly this time) and continued on our way.

The final news of note has to do with laundry. Or rather, how frugal I can be. There was a note on our bed with a mid-sized paper laundry bag when we got back from dinner; the note notified us that they would wash whatever we could fit into that bag for $25. Laundry on the ship is not cheap, but we need to have some done.

You expect me to accept a challenge like that without really going for it? They had no idea who they were dealing with! I rolled everything that needed washing into tight rolls and fit $54 worth of laundry into that bag. Suckers! Yeah, that’s right.

Notes From Hawaii - Part the Third

All beaches are not created equal. My Wife and I went to the beach on Tuesday and floated for about an hour in the warm clear water. The sand was beautiful and soft, and the water was as clear as can be. It was absolutely amazing. A storm was coming across the mountains while we were floating there…it was blue above us, blue around us, and misty and gray over the mountains. Phenomenal. It absolutely took my breath away.

All X Files episodes are not created equal. I stayed up way too late on Tuesday night watching the X files episodes I’d never seen before…shortly after midnight I realized I should probably get some sleep. Even if it did mean the cockroaches and black oil on the X Files might attach me.

Tired J is a real treat for The Wife. Oops.

All euphemisms for sexual congress are not created equal. Yesterday we “tubed the ditch”. This actually wasn’t a euphemism in my vocabulary until the day trip we took yesterday.

The sugar plantations used a ditch system built by cheap Chinese labor in the late 1800s to irrigate the sugar plants. It was dug by hand, including tunneling through several mountains. No explosives were used…they used pick axes and shovels. They would put one team of laborers on one side of the mountain, another team on the other side, and tell them to dig towards each other. Often they wouldn’t meet exactly in the middle, so you’d have a couple of 90 degree turns in the pitch black tunnels.

We jumped in the cool water up the mountain, grabbed a couple of innertubes, and floated down for about an hour. It wasn’t as exciting as kayaking, jumping off cliffs, or sliding down waterfalls, but it was relaxing and fun. I got to be the punk of the group and splash everyone. Hey, if you can’t make friends then make enemies. That’s my motto, anyway.

Today, we’re at sea. The Wife is sleeping in the cabin, feeling a little bit sea sick. I thought I’d take the time to come up to the coffee bar and write y’all. I miss you, my loyal readers. I cry out your name in the middle of the night, waking myself up disoriented and not knowing where I am.

Come back to me. We’ll make love by the fireplace like we used to.

Notes From Hawaii - Part the Second

I’ve just received word that I can now unveil the identity of my Very Good Friend, on one condition. As long as her new name is always capitalized, we can dispense with the name that makes us sound like a 40-something gay couple (not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Drum roll please…..My Very Good Friend is…..

My Wife.

I know, I know. For those of you out there that have been to the Soda Fountain frequently, you already knew this. I’m just excited because it’s less typing. And I sound Heterosexual again. That’s a bonus for me.

We’re two days into the cruise…and it’s been awesome! My Wife and I are having a great time.

We slept very well the first night. After the guy next door stopped pounding his wife like a mallard duck.

We got up the next morning, looked out our window, and there was Hilo. That’s the big island, or so I’m told. We threw on our swimsuits and were off to our first “excursion”, sea kayaking.

Yeah, it was pretty amazing. We paddled about a mile across the sea to a river and then paddled up the river to a waterfall. I’d love to show you pictures, but our digital camera isn’t waterproof. My Wife and I paddled behind the waterfall then out underneath it and back to the group. We didn’t capsize once…yeah, we’re the shit like that.

We jumped over the side of the kayak and into the cool fresh water…the water was clear and beautiful. A few of us climbed a rope up the side of the rocky cliff, made our way over to the waterfall, and actually slid down the waterfall one by one. Water parks in Southern California can’t compete with that…it was awesome!

Then My Wife and I climbed back up the rope (we were the only two this time) to actually jump off the cliff. We got up there, looked down, and thought….wow, this is pretty high. I took a deep breath and gave a good jump. I honestly tried not to scream like a little schoolgirl, but I’m not sure I was successful. Still, it was a rush. More importantly, it solidified our status in the group as “The Crazy Ones.”

Our whole bodies ached from kayaking, so we laid low the rest of yesterday.

This morning we arrived at Maui. My Wife and I went ashore and up into the mountains to…well, how do I put this…to (basically) hang from a zipline several hundred feet above the forest floor and zoom from point A to point B.

It was quite a rush. We had some very cool guides, and I was actually able to video a run on one of the lines for the viewers at home. It’s too big to put online, but maybe you can come over when we’re back in town and I’ll show it to you? You’ll have to wait a couple of days…we didn’t exactly leave the house “spotless” when we left.

Tonight we watched the sunset over Maui. It was stunning.

I can’t believe I’m here…



P.S. As odd as it is, I miss Lil’ Shorty, MILF, Pinky, Orange, Brick, and Dutch Girl from the office. Hope you all are well.

Notes from Hawaii - Part the First

I didn’t actually believe there was a 5 AM. Oh, sure, I’d heard rumors. I’d just lumped it in with tales of the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster. 5 AM. Please. Like anyone would do a thing like that…

Well, it’s all true. Not only does it exist but one can actually wake up at that time. Albeit with some difficulty, but still.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s only two places for which I would wake up at 5 AM. Hawaii, and my parents’ house in winter. I’m speculating (at this point) about Hawaii, but if it’s half as good as everyone says then it’s on the list.

And my parents’ house? Well, it’s comfortable, it’s got my family (at Christmastime, when we usually go), and it looks awesome decked out for Christmas. When there’s a blanket of snow on the ground, and a fire in the fireplace, and a good book to read…it’s like heaven.

So, yeah, 5 AM is not just a rumor. But you still can’t convince me that the Eiffel Tower is real. I was in Paris for 5 days and I didn’t see it ONCE. Not even on the horizon. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all a bunch of happy horseshit dreamed up by the cheese-eating frogs to get the American tourists, who they hate so much but couldn’t live without, to come visit. If it weren’t for us, they’d all be blonde and speaking German anyway.*

Ah…I’m on vacation and I can still find time to be offensive to Yetis, Monsters, The French, and the German.

*I actually don’t feel this way about any of the aforementioned groups. Except the Yetis. I hear they smell pretty rank.

Highlights of the day:

Landing in Honolulu…and realizing it looks just like Van Nuys, California. At least, from the airport. Thankfully, it really was Hawaii.

Meeting Grumpy McBitchalot at the mandatory fire drill. He’s my new favorite curmudgeon. Seriously, dude. We’re all hot, we’ve all be traveling all day, we’re all tired. Shut your cakehole or I’ll hide your Viagra.

Realizing that you can eat and get up after the meal without paying. And no one chases after you. In fact, they encourage it.

Feeling like a kid again. Especially comparing our age to the average age of those on board.

Finally, hearing the man in the next cabin over pounding his wife. Ah, L’amore. I can’t wait to put a face with those moans.

Wish you were here.

T-Minues 19 hours and counting...

We’re leaving the house at 6 am tomorrow morning…sheesh, that’s early.

I’ve found some interesting ways to hide my face for you blog readers so I can post pictures and update the blog during the trip. Should be fun.

I’ve created some initial promotional materials for the CD release next year. I believe in simplicity and lack of clutter. The fonts and logos are set in stone but I’m still working on the actual CD cover and images for the booklet.

Feel free to print and post. I need all the help I can get in creating initial interest in this project.

Anyway, that’s the news for now. I look forward to telling you about the coming adventures…

The Last Funeral

We touched down in Manassas, VA on a cool autumn afternoon, finding that our luggage had been lost somewhere in transit. The plane is only so big…I volunteered to go look for it myself but apparently there were some security issues with that option. Karrie, who was there to bury her best friend, immediately went to pieces. As it was my job to be the “strong dependable one” on this trip, I asked her to sit and relax while I straightened everything out.

I wasn’t the only one at the lost luggage counter, a miniscule, muggy and hot office next to the baggage claim area that smelled as though someone had just urinated in the corner. I was assured our luggage would be sent to our hotel. Why anyone would take a job where they had to deal with irate individuals, assuring them that they would get their property back at some point in the future, is beyond me.

Manassas was beautifully decked out in all of it’s fall splendor. This was long before snipers were picking off people at local gas stations..the town seemed quiet, peaceful, and content. It started raining almost immediately, dampening both the town and the mood. A beautiful sadness seemed all around. Appropriate enough, given our reason for the trip.

Gabe was a wonderful friend to Karrie. They had known each other since childhood, could complete each other’s sentences, and always knew what the other was thinking. Gabe had come to see Karrie during our Senior Year fall break, and all three of us spent a good deal of time hanging out and laughing. She was engaged to be married and had recently celebrated her 21st birthday. She was the kind of woman who, after knowing her for 3 days, you felt like you had known her all your life.

On her drive home from our university with 3 of her friends, Gabe had fallen asleep at the wheel in the middle of the night. There were no survivors. It’s very surreal to receive a phone call in the middle of the night that a friend you had just made has just died.

I remember a lot of time was spent in the hotel, trying to comfort Karrie. Old friends from high school asked her to go bowling with them, which only made her feel more alone. I imagine it’s hard to bowl when the best friend you’ve ever had is being buried in two days. I remember buying beer and alcohol in an effort to numb Karrie and I…Karrie was experiencing pain that I could not comprehend and I was starting to crack. I was supposed to be the strong one…I couldn’t crack. We made love several times, finding comfort and solace in each other.

I remember visiting Gabe’s fiancé with Karrie. He was a military man, the kind who looked very strong and handsome in uniform. I let them talk and walked around his neighborhood, asking God questions in an attempt to make some sense out of the whole thing. I didn’t have a very strong relationship with God and didn’t really understand the universe outside of my very small, very personal world. God may have answered some of my questions…I’m not sure. If he did, I didn’t know how to understand his answers.

The funeral took place late on Sunday afternoon. I had to walk quickly out of the visitation for fear that the bile in my throat would be followed by the contents of my stomach. Outside the funeral parlor the stoic exterior cracked and I started sobbing. It was all too much. Karrie’s mother came out and comforted me.

Two months later, the child we had conceived on that trip was aborted. A year after that, Karrie and I were no longer speaking to each other.

Not a week goes by that I don’t think about the whole experience, about the daughter I never had, about the wonderful friend who was ultimately betrayed. I guess today is the day this week.

I haven’t been to a funeral since.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

So, turning 32 wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. For some reason, “32” sounds so much more ominous to me than “30”. “30” was sort-of like “Hey! What a major milestone! Let’s celebrate!” Yes, with three exclamation marks.

“32” felt more like “Shit. I’m well into my 30s now. How did I get this fat? Some of my friends are making six digits…what have I been doing with my life?” Notice the absence of exclamation marks.

But I certainly made the most of such a somber occasion. Some of the highlights of my day were:

I slept in and went to work a little late. Because it was my birthday.

I put in my time at work doing pretty much nothing. Again, because it was my birthday.

I ate ice cream cake at work and played pool. Gotta love having a pool table at work.

I went home and took a nap. I imagine I’ll nap the majority of my remaining days on earth…might as well start now.

I ate an amazing dinner prepared by my Very Good Friend.

My Very Good Friend and I engaged in some libido-satisfying activities.

So, all in all, a pretty good day. Given the fact that I’m really old now.

Your cell phone is about to become a suppository

Why can’t phones just ring anymore? I swear, my office sounds like a fucking video arcade stuck in 1986.

When did phones become mini-orchestras? Phones no longer ring, they play a theme. Unless you’re in the porn industry…then they moan. Yes, you can actually buy “moan tones” from adult stars. Why would someone do this to their phone, to their friends? I don’t need to know how big a pervert you are by hearing your phone moan. I’ve got a pretty good idea already.

Personally, I’m all for cell phones not ringing at all. They’re small enough to keep on your person at all times; just let them vibrate. They CERTAINLY don’t need to ring at the phone’s highest volume. As fond as I am of Beethoven’s Fifth or the theme from The Sting, I don’t need to hear a cheesy silicon rendition of it every 15 minutes. Yes, Linda, I’m talking to you.

For that matter, why do we need to be in touch all the time, anyway? People, we learned the concept of “Object Permanence” when we were toddlers. You know, just because something is out of sight doesn’t mean it no longer exists. When I was growing up, if you couldn’t be instantly reached then….well, then I guess we’d just have to talk later.

I have to go. My phone is playing “Drop It Like It’s Hot”. Pimpin’ ain’t easy but it pays the bills.

T-minus 23 days and counting

What does the whole “T-minus” thing mean, anyway? Anyone here work for NASA?

At any rate, we depart for Hawaii in 23 days. It’s our first vacation together, and we’ll be trapped together on a traveling ship for eleven days. It’s pretty cool. From a horn-dog point of view, it certainly works to my advantage. I mean, there are only so many places she can run before I corner her and she has to…kiss me.

I’m not telling you to brag. Alright, I’m telling you to brag a little bit. They have an internet café on board, and I’ll have my digital camera and laptop. Obviously, there will be plenty for my Very Good Friend and I to do during which photo taking would be wholly inappropriate. You know, like snorkeling.

(Sheesh, you all have such dirty minds.)

But there will be plenty of “photo ops”, I’m sure. It will be fun coming up with creative ways to hide my face in the pictures. You know, sort of like on Charlie’s Angels, where you never see actually see Charlie. Not that it mattered to ME if I saw Charlie’s face, what with all the T&A around.

The bad news is that I’ll be very busy the next couple of weeks and don’t know how often I’ll be able to write. I have volunteer duty at the Animal Shelter this Saturday, which is going to be a blast.

Next Friday, We’ve got great seats to see Ben Folds in concert.

Then, the week after that, I turn 32. I invite you to pour one out for your homey in Los Angeles.

On the weekend of the 26th the Comedy Sportz Olympics are in Los Angeles, and I’m trying to secure tickets for that. I always bring a glass of milk to those things so I can have the juvenile thrill of shooting it out my nose. You should try it sometime. Really lubes up the sinuses too.

Then, the weekend after that, it’s off to the only U.S. state to my west.

No, I won’t be packing my Speedo. I don’t care how much you’re dying to see me in it.

Guardian Angel

It’s funny, but I can’t remember her name. If I could draw I could show you exactly what she looked like but I don’t remember her name. She had an uncommon beauty to her. Not beautiful in the classical sense, but the freckles in her irises made her eyes dance with vitality. The first time she looked at me she smiled with her entire face, her eyes dancing as if to let me in on her private joke.

I fell in love. It was that simple. I had never believed in love at first sight, but here I was. Fast forward several days and I knew I had to spend my life with her. Shortly after that realization the trouble began.

We were being followed, chased, hunted. She asked me several times if I had done something to piss these people off, but my answer was always the same. I had never met these people, I didn’t know who they were or what they wanted, I only wanted to get away. It was the truth, you know. Those piercing eyes read my honesty for what it was but showed no fear. Instead, there was peace in them. This time those freckles imbued me with a sense of calm. Her private laughter was subdued but those eyes still shone bright.

I mistakenly thought the police could help. I learned quickly how wrong I was when she and I had to flee them. Below the fear I was impressed at how quickly she could run. It was almost as if her feet didn’t touch the ground. Not that I had a chance to look…I was too busy diving into the driver’s seat and getting us out of harm’s way. And yet, she was still calm. I wanted nothing more than for this all to be over so I could hold her and be held by her, to feel her against me. Though I could see our future in her eyes I couldn’t imagine how it would become a reality with this symphony of turmoil surrounding us.

We caught our breath behind a building, sitting for 10 or 15 minutes. My fear was taking control; I was drowning in it. She got out of the car and peeked around the corner of the building, returning with the news that they were advancing on us. For the first time, I saw sorrow in those eyes. Not fear, not panic, just the tiniest bit of sorrow.

“Get out of the car” she told me. “Everything is going to be fine. Trust your gut and make your feet move when you know you should run.” The sadness betrayed her, but I had to trust her. I had ceased being in control of the situation ages ago (Hours? Days? How long had we been running?), and I had no other option but to trust her.

I was standing by the back wall of the building, my back pressed against the bricks, when the engine screamed to life and I heard the tires squeal. I saw her rapidly accelerating towards our enemies, hitting several as she sped forward. Her impact into their vehicles sent our car flying into the air. It corkscrewed upside down, landed on the roof, and disappeared in flames.

I ran, but not far.

The firemen arrived shortly, and doused the charred wreck that held her. The police had scattered, as had our pursuers. The tall fireman in the bright yellow slicker approached the driver’s side door as I came out of hiding and approached the scene. He pulled her limp and damaged body from the wreckage. I cried until my world was obscured by the salt-water lens. It was raining and dark, outside and inside.

He stepped forward towards me with her draped over her arms, a grim look on his face. He held her as we stood looking at each other. His eyes pierced me and I couldn’t look away. I tried, believe me. I wanted to climb inside myself and hide from this horrid scene but his eyes held me firmly in place. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the skin on her burnt face repair itself as if it was melting back in place. Finally he let go of me and our eyes looked down on her.

She opened her eyes and smiled at me again with her entire face. She was beaming, the light she radiated hurting my eyes. I closed them for a brief moment, and when I opened them again I was bathed in the sunlight shining through the bedroom window.

(Disclaimer: I have no idea who the subject of this photograph is but found her while doing an image search on the web. She closely represents the woman in my dream.)

What a Saturday!

Diary posts are pretty narcissistic and self-indulgent.

I guess I’m feeling narcissistic and self-indulgent. Consider yourself forewarned. I’ll try to exercise brevity.

On Saturday morning I had an appointment with the Burbank Police Department. It’s a nice place, as long as you’re not going there in handcuffs. Which I wasn’t. I was there to meet with Detective Spears. I’m sorry to report that she looks nothing like Brittney. I don’t even think they’re related. Imagine my sadness at finding this out.

Still, I had business to take care of. I got my picture taken and pressed my right index finger firmly on the fingerprint pad. And then, it was done.

I had my new badge for the Burbank Animal Shelter. Now I can finally play with the dogs! It’s good to volunteer.

After I left the police station a free man (I went in as a free man too, but that makes it less dramatic) I went and picked up Phillip the drummer. Now, I was nervous. As you know, we were going to work on drum arrangements for the Rhymes with Orange CD. Some of the guitar parts were recorded over a year ago, and the last time I played in front of anyone else was in October of 2001. That’s about 28 years in dog years.

We got to the space and set up the equipment. I didn’t quite remember how to lead a band at first, but it came back to me in short order. Phillip was driven to learn, and before I knew it we were both dripping in sweat. He’d toss an idea in to the drum part, it would work or it wouldn’t, we’d take a quick break to discuss it, he’d toss off a quick count of four and we’d be off jamming through the song again.

It was exhilarating! The nerves faded away like they always do. At first it was tough to make eye contact with Phillip, partly because he’s one of the shaggiest guys I’ve ever met and partly because I was afraid I’d see him mouth the words “this music is shit!” at me. Then I realized I needed to give him cues, and the best way to do that was to look at him.

For the first time in years, I felt the blood of a musician flow through my veins. There was no fear, no self-consciousness and I felt alive like only a musician can. The heat of the rehearsal room couldn’t touch me. The small stage we were on held my entire world.

We went back t0 Phillips house, where the rest of his family was cutting into a banana cream pie. They invited me in, and I swear it was like I was back home in the Midwest. A family sitting down for an afternoon snack, including the baby. Phillip’s father, who has produced a lot of music for a lot of famous musicians and bands, asked Phillip what the music was like. Phillip rattled off the names of a few band that I had never heard of, at which point his father arched his eyebrows, looked at me, and said “I’d be very interested in hearing your work sometime.”

I tried really hard not to shit my pants.

That, my friend, is what I call a very good Saturday.

House of Many Smells # 543

I submitted all of the paperwork for my new passport today. In triplicate. Stamped by a Notary Republic. There’s an ad on a local radio station that some Notary Public’s will make $100,000 dollars this year. I’m thinking the one at the post office isn’t pulling down six figures. Just a hunch…

My Very Good Friend and I are going on an eleven-day cruise around the Hawaiian Islands in September to celebrate our wedding anniversary and as a honeymoon. I have more money in my front pocket now than I had in my bank account when we got married, hence the delayed honeymoon. Anticipating that my CD will go triple-platinum and all, we decided now is the time to book that trip. Well…actually we’ve saved some and we have some bonus money coming to us that will pay for the trip. But if my CD DOES go triple-platinum, we’ll probably take another cruise.

I think going to the post office is a very interesting experience; It fits in the category of “House of Many Smells.” There are good and bad Houses of Many Smells; this one was very ripe, dare I say rancorous, today. I felt a little embarrassed because I smelled clean and freshly-bathed. I was definitely an outsider, one of those lucky few in Los Angeles who can afford running water AND deodorant. I am one of the blessed.

The post office is like a big stinking ethnic melting pot. I bet when the founders of our great nation thought of the concept of the Great American Melting Pot they didn’t consider the smell. Which is unfortunate for the rest of us.

There have been no Rhymes With Orange updates lately. Why, you ask, have I been keeping all of my loyal fans (well…loyal fan, anyway) in the dark about the most recent goings on in the studio? Mostly because there hasn’t been much to report. I have a job, people. What do you want from me?

But tomorrow is going to be a very exciting day for Rhymes with Orange. We’ve rented a rehearsal space in downtown Los Angeles in which we (Phillip and I) will be working on drum arrangements. Including the arrangements for FOUR (count ‘em, F-O-U-R) new tunes. These new tunes will take the place of some of the “weaker” songs on the CD. In other words, it’s going to wind up being a strong, powerful, emotional tour of force.

When we get around to releasing it. Now that this year is half over, and Craig is traveling so much between Minneapolis and Sacramento, I’m very afraid that it’s not going to be done in December. Maybe if some of you out there (I know you’re there lurking) write and tell J and Craig how absolutely stoked you are about the imminent release of “Artificial Heart”, it’ll light the fire under our collective asses to sacrifice sleeping and eating to really push forward.

Mail a pair of lacy undergarments to Craig to really seal the deal.

Unless you’re a man. That weirds him out.