51 Things

Lightning Bug’s Butt wrote a post the other day entitled “51 things about LBB you couldn't have gone your entire life without knowing.” He’s an amazing writer and very creative…I enjoy his blog a great deal. Go on…check it out. I’ll still be here when you return…

Anyway, I thought it was an awesome idea. I’ve gone several days without writing and I’m having trouble coming up with a really great idea. When that happens, I always plagiarize.

It’s the American Way.

51 things about J you could have gone your entire life without knowing

1. When I was a little boy I’d vomit without warning.
2. I drink at least 3 liters of water a day.
3. I pee a lot.
4. I’m not very good at playing video games. But I like them anyway.
5. I didn’t understand what the big deal was with hot tea until I spent a semester in England.
6. I still don’t understand with the big deal is with warm beer.
7. I don’t enjoy Guinness Beer. Beer should not need to be chewed.
8. I’ve never been sick on alcohol. And it isn’t for lack of trying.
9. I sprained my ankle once while wearing lederhosen and Birkenstocks and trying to dance like a drunk German man.
10. I’m a Sig Ep.
11. My nephew told me I was his favorite uncle when I bought him gum at the supermarket. Easy to impress, that one is.
12. I think sending someone flowers is overrated.
13. One of my favorite movies is The Sound of Music. No, I’m not gay.
14. I have a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger.
15. I’ve been hit on in the gym shower by men because of said tattoo. It’s very uncomfortable.
16. I used to work at a hotline to prevent people from jumping off ledges when I lived in the Midwest. I always made sure my phone was on mute when I encouraged them to jump.
17. I’ve never been naked while driving a car, but I’ve been close.
18. I sing in the shower.
19. When I was in 8th grade I though the chicks on the G.I. Joe cartoon were hot.
20. I often dream I can fly.
21. Recently, I’ve been dancing in my car on the drive to work. Usually, it’s to the tune “Red Alert” by Basement Jaxx.
22. I stalled my car recently while looking at a chick walking a dog. And I wasn’t checking out the chick, I was thinking “Damn, I want a dog.” But I still felt stupid when the car stalled.
23. While I am excited to see the new Star Wars film, I won’t be in line to see a midnight viewing on the day of it’s release. Those people need to get a life.
24. One morning I woke up and looked out of the window on my tent to see the sun rising over the Rocky Mountains. I was convinced there was a God, not because the scene was incredibly beautiful but because I was actually awake to see it.
25. I had intimate relations once with a girlfriend in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room. I highly recommend it, but only if the doors are full length floor to ceiling.
26. I’m the one who sold the $600 hammers to the U.S. Military in the 90s. Those hammers put me through college, they did.
27. I was going to be a nurse until I admitted to myself that the sight of blood and people in pain makes me pass out.
28. It is often Fall in my dreams. The trees are very colorful.
29. I’m afraid of baseballs and softballs. They always seem to be heading straight for my head.
30. I never got past the phase of trying to stick things up my nose.
31. I don’t follow baseball but I try to go to at least one game a summer. It’s the quintessential American summer experience.
32. When I was in kindergarten, my favorite color was pink.
33. My parents had a picture on the fridge I drew in kindergarten of a pink rocketship. How phallic is that!?
34. I swear, I’m not gay.
35. I used to work at Starbucks, and I still remember all of their top-secret coffee recipes. Most of them go like this: 1 – make water hot. 2 – filter hot water through coffee grounds.
36. My favorite candy is M&Ms.
37. I’m not like Whitney Houston. I don’t believe children are the future…I believe apes are. I’ve seen Planet of the Apes, I know the score…
38. I’ve never broken any bones. But I have split my chin open 8 times.
39. I stopped landing on my face when I was in 6th grade.
40. We have an old-school Darth Vader magnet on our fridge. Neither of us know where it came from.
41. I only drink half-and-half with my coffee. Sugar is for posers and wussies.
42. My cologne is called “Sexual.” Women swoon when I’m near.
43. I’ve entertained the thought of naming my first son “Magnanimous”.
44. I hated being in Boy Scouts. The Scoutmaster creeped me out.
45. I’ve never photocopied my butt at work. But I have several photocopies of my face hidden in safety deposit boxes in banks around the country.
46. I shed. A lot. But I’m happy I don’t have hair on my back.
47. I usually sleep on top of the covers.
48. The first night I had an eyebrow ring I woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Those buggers hurt when you roll over onto them!
49. I used to volunteer at a camp for kids with Muscular Dystrophy, back when I was in high school. They kept me away from the really small kids because I thought I was really cool when in actuality I was just dangerous.
50. I look like an ax murderer in my driver license photo. I made the face to try to scare cops, but it’s backfired more than it’s helped.
51. It took me 6 hours to create this list. Not feeling too bright today...