Your cell phone is about to become a suppository

Why can’t phones just ring anymore? I swear, my office sounds like a fucking video arcade stuck in 1986.

When did phones become mini-orchestras? Phones no longer ring, they play a theme. Unless you’re in the porn industry…then they moan. Yes, you can actually buy “moan tones” from adult stars. Why would someone do this to their phone, to their friends? I don’t need to know how big a pervert you are by hearing your phone moan. I’ve got a pretty good idea already.

Personally, I’m all for cell phones not ringing at all. They’re small enough to keep on your person at all times; just let them vibrate. They CERTAINLY don’t need to ring at the phone’s highest volume. As fond as I am of Beethoven’s Fifth or the theme from The Sting, I don’t need to hear a cheesy silicon rendition of it every 15 minutes. Yes, Linda, I’m talking to you.

For that matter, why do we need to be in touch all the time, anyway? People, we learned the concept of “Object Permanence” when we were toddlers. You know, just because something is out of sight doesn’t mean it no longer exists. When I was growing up, if you couldn’t be instantly reached then….well, then I guess we’d just have to talk later.

I have to go. My phone is playing “Drop It Like It’s Hot”. Pimpin’ ain’t easy but it pays the bills.