Notes from Hawaii - Part the First

I didn’t actually believe there was a 5 AM. Oh, sure, I’d heard rumors. I’d just lumped it in with tales of the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster. 5 AM. Please. Like anyone would do a thing like that…

Well, it’s all true. Not only does it exist but one can actually wake up at that time. Albeit with some difficulty, but still.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s only two places for which I would wake up at 5 AM. Hawaii, and my parents’ house in winter. I’m speculating (at this point) about Hawaii, but if it’s half as good as everyone says then it’s on the list.

And my parents’ house? Well, it’s comfortable, it’s got my family (at Christmastime, when we usually go), and it looks awesome decked out for Christmas. When there’s a blanket of snow on the ground, and a fire in the fireplace, and a good book to read…it’s like heaven.

So, yeah, 5 AM is not just a rumor. But you still can’t convince me that the Eiffel Tower is real. I was in Paris for 5 days and I didn’t see it ONCE. Not even on the horizon. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all a bunch of happy horseshit dreamed up by the cheese-eating frogs to get the American tourists, who they hate so much but couldn’t live without, to come visit. If it weren’t for us, they’d all be blonde and speaking German anyway.*

Ah…I’m on vacation and I can still find time to be offensive to Yetis, Monsters, The French, and the German.

*I actually don’t feel this way about any of the aforementioned groups. Except the Yetis. I hear they smell pretty rank.

Highlights of the day:

Landing in Honolulu…and realizing it looks just like Van Nuys, California. At least, from the airport. Thankfully, it really was Hawaii.

Meeting Grumpy McBitchalot at the mandatory fire drill. He’s my new favorite curmudgeon. Seriously, dude. We’re all hot, we’ve all be traveling all day, we’re all tired. Shut your cakehole or I’ll hide your Viagra.

Realizing that you can eat and get up after the meal without paying. And no one chases after you. In fact, they encourage it.

Feeling like a kid again. Especially comparing our age to the average age of those on board.

Finally, hearing the man in the next cabin over pounding his wife. Ah, L’amore. I can’t wait to put a face with those moans.

Wish you were here.