Advice for 18-Year-Old J

There's something about this season of graduations and commencements that makes me want to give advice.

The other day I was thinking about what wisdom I would impart, if given the opportunity, to my younger self. If I was somehow able to catch up with my 18-year-old self, what would I tell him?

So, 18-year-old J, listen up. I've got some stuff I need to share with you.

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Dude, you just turned 18 and you're starting out at college! I'm so excited for you, you have no idea!

I've got some good news and bad news for you, J. First, the bad news.

You're about to enter a very difficult and often shitty decade of your life. I'm here to help, so I'm not going to mince words. You're tougher than you think you are...you can handle it.

The good news is that you make it out a much better person than you are now. Oh, stop. You're fine now, true. You're definitely fine for an 18 year old. The problem is that you STAY 18 way longer than you should. Don't beat yourself up about it now, just be mindful of it.

At the risk of ripping the whole space-time continuum to shreds, causing the universe to collapse, I'm going to give you some much-needed advice. You might want to take notes.

1. OK, this is a biggie. Don't try to fuck every woman you meet. Yeah, yeah. Save me that crap about being in love with your high-school girlfriend and you'd never do such a thing. I'm you, remember?

You're actually kind-of a dick when it comes to women. High-school sweetheart included.

The thing is, some of these women might actually make good life-long friends. If you try to fuck them all, most of them are going to end up being your mortal enemies. Dude, that's a lonely, lonely place.

2. Try making some guy friends. They're good for you. You get much better at it much later, but why not start now?

3. You're going to join a fraternity when you go to college this year. I know you can't believe it, but it's true. And it's mostly a GOOD thing. You pick a good one. I'd recommend hanging out there much more than you're prone to do. It's not all pornos and beer, you know. Some of these guys you're about to call "brother" are really cool, really smart, really brave, really down-to-earth, and will really care about you if you let them.

4. Avoid isolating yourself, which is another thing you're prone to do. Some "alone time" is fine. But weeks of "alone time" on end? That shit'll fuck with your head something fierce.

5. Consider studying in groups. Yes, you're really smart. No, you're not going to flunk out (but you have to work at not flunking out.) There are some classes you're going to take that are going to be almost unbearable to get through. Those might be good ones to study in groups for. You'll know which ones they are pretty quickly in the semester.

6. Live life with hope, not fear. I've started doing this only recently. It's quite nice. You might want to do this before you get to be my age.

7. You're going to be lonely sometimes. After a while, you're going to get lonely a lot. Then it gets better. Maybe, when you're feeling really lonely, hanging out with someone would feel less lonely than feeling lonely all alone. Deep, I know.

8. You have a tendency to get impulsive. Sometimes it's a lot of fun. But I'd recommend getting in the habit of stopping for 60 seconds when you feel impulsive and thinking things through to their logical and likely conclusion. You make some REALLY big decisions in the next five or six years. This whole "60-second" rule would be an awesome thing to exercise. And all decisions, like "should me and her get naked and root around for a while", would benefit from the 60-second rule.

9. Some dreams take risks to realize. Some risks are manageable, or even worth it. Take 60 seconds (see rule 8) to think about the risks, and then if they are manageable refuse to let them get in the way of your dreams.

10. You get desperate and pick some lousy girlfriends. Don't.

11. Seek advice and listen to it. No one says you have to do everything on your own.

12. Your parents are kind-of critical of you and don't support you in some of your dreams. It sucks, I know. They act this way because they love you and want you to succeed. And they recognize how neurotic and insecure you are. Oh, quit pouting. You need to hear this.

Your parents are people too and they don't always do the best, most perfect things. Listen to them, look for a "deeper" message beyond the disapproval and worry, and take that to heart.

Then ignore them.

13. Stand up for yourself. You spend a LOOOONG time taking unnecessary shit from people. Tell someone to fuck off if they need to hear it. Speak your mind, if you need to. Sometimes you'll need to exercise tact, sometimes not.

14. Having said that, don't do something just to pick a fight. If it's going to result in possible physical harm, exercise tact.

15. Drive carefully. That car you call "yours" is a bit of a death trap. It wasn't built to handle 80 + MPH. Actually, it wasn't built to handle you at all. And for a while, you make it your hobby to get into car accidents. Bad idea, dude. Bad idea.

16. You know your uncles who have that problem called "addiction?" Do you think they're happy? Do you know addiction issues run in families? Be careful here. It may not be the same issue those uncles have, but whatever it is could sneak up on you and really fuck up your life.

Here, I'll make it simple. If you start "indulging" in something a lot, and you start doing things you never thought you'd do, and you have to start justifying your behavior, and you start lying to cover it all up, all the while hating yourself more and more...well, that's addiction.

17. No matter what's happening during the moment, life continues. It goes up, it goes down, and you ride along with it. Try not to be too discouraged by the "down" times and try to enjoy the ride. Things could always be worse. Hey, look at me! So far, I have all my limbs and a decent brain and can still make farting noises with my armpits.

19. Get out and do things you wouldn't normally do. If you have an opportunity to explore, do it. Go on road trips. Play in the rain. Take dancing lessons. Learn Origami.

OK, scratch the Origami lessons. But maybe "balloon animal" lessons would be cool?

20. Set goals. Then meet them. Some should be small goals, like "I'm going to finish this chapter of Biology before the end of the night, even if I fall asleep 11 times doing it." Some should be larger goals like "I'm going to be a campus leader by running for X position." Set these goals based on your other scheduling requirements. You probably shouldn't join some 4-AM streaking club if you have an 8 AM class, for example.

21. No one in the world expects you to be perfect. So maybe you shouldn't expect it of yourself.

22. Finally, have fun. Smile and laugh. People like smiles and laughter. You have a tendency to take yourself too seriously. That's a bad thing. No need to make life harder than it is by taking yourself too seriously.

I've got to go now. Honestly, I could probably give you a thousand pieces of advice to follow but I'll stop at 22. That should take you a long way.

Look. Life is hard. The end. There's this concept that you've never been taught about "suffering gracefully." I know, it sounds like bullshit. But it isn't. You're going to suffer from time to time...suffering gracefully means taking the disappointments in stride, keeping things in perspective, sharing the disappointments with friends who love you, and being thankful for the things you're not suffering through.

And don't be afraid. Remember the good news at the beginning before I started to talk? You make it through all of this just fine.

Oh, one final thing. You do get married when you're older, and she's an absolute HOTTIE! So don't worry about ending up alone, or ending up with an ugly girl, or anything like that. Trust me, it all works out.

See you in the mirror in about 14 years.