Turn-offs (Part the Second)

The awkward pause, lasting seconds but feeling like weeks, rings through the auditorium like only silence can. The crowd shifts in their seats as J stands uncomfortably on the stage, seemingly evaluating his decision to expose himself in front of so many people. A single cough pierces the silence.

Finally, J steps back to the microphone and clears his throat, saying:

3. Women with dark hair on their bodies where it shouldn’t be. This includes (but is not limited to) hairy armpits, mustaches, beards, hairy chests, hairy butts, hairy legs, and hairy feet. Now, my definition of “hairy” isn’t “a few hairs around the nipples.” I’m talking hairy like a Hobbit. Women with that much hair, well, they disturb me. Frighten me. And women that hairy generally don’t smell very good.

4. Speaking of which, intense body odor is a turn-off. Ladies, a little bit of “musk” during sexual congress is intoxicating. But sweating like you’re on a treadmill at the gym while giving off the accompanying odor is not enticing. If you’re going to shave to get rid of all that hair, you might as well shower and wash up, too.