secret Lair

No studio time tonight after all. I spent Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights this week working on various projects and could use a night off, away from the computer.

Not many people know this, but I am in possession of a small volcanic island in the pacific...you know, for those times when I just have to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in and around the soda fountain.

Of course, I've also built the requisite secret underground lair. It's just the thing one has to do. I don't make the rules...

It's a combination of "pimp-a-licious" and "functional". The problem with most underground lairs is that there is only really one secret underground lair design and construction company. Which has led to a certain laziness in progressive design. That, and most evil geniuses bent on world domination don't have much time or inclination to be directly involved in their lair development.

That's not the case with me, though. Anyone who has worked with me in any capacity knows that I'm a "hands-on" kind of guy. This is no different. It's my "lair away from lair", if you will, so it was important that I be involved in it's development.

And that leads us to the crux of this post. What, exactly, is in my secret underground lair?

For starters, there is a secret resort of sorts for my guests. What good is a secret underground lair if one can't entertain? Full suites, king-sized beds, LCD tvs, free movies on demand, fresh tropical fruit delivered daily. Both a shower and a tub...sometimes visiting evil geniuses just need a good soak at the end of a long day making demands of world leaders.

Then, of course, there are the conference facilities. Boring but necessary. And a very well-stocked (and well-staffed) kitchen and wine cellar. The chefs can pretty much make anything. Their bratwurst is amazing! but they also make a great rack of lamb in mint sauce. It just depends on my mood.

But what makes a truly great secret underground lair? Whatever I want, of course! I'm thinking bigger than "sharks with lasers." There'd be an amazing virtual reality room, which can simulate any situation in any environment. It's great for torturing prisoners by making them believe they are in the bowels of hell, or for simply taking a "virtual day trip" to Italy. I'm not an evil man and don't require much of the standard fare of the traditional secret underground lair. But I also realize that no lair is impenetrable, so it's important to have some defenses at my disposal.

There's a full recording studio, a full art studio (for visiting artists), and a full auditorium which can be used for pretty much any type of performance.

I have an awesome closet there with clothes for any occaision. If I need to sneak like a ninja and blend into the shadows of night in Los Angeles, I can dress as necessary. If I need to seduce a spy at a small bistro in Paris, I have 3-piece suits and expensive shoes. And, for those days of just hanging out on the island, I have a nice selection of Hawaiian shirts and board shorts.

There is no heliport or airstrip. In fact, there is only a very small patch of land where a helicopter could land, and that's only kept that way in case an emergency evacuation requiring non-standard transportation from the island was necessary. I can't give you too many details on how to get to and from the island, but you have to be physically present at the soda fountain for the trip to begin. It's complicated, but I've been able to use current technololgy to create a fourth dimension, allowing for a non-traditional form of transportation.

Pools, top telecommunication, a full recording studio...I've got it all there.
But the best part of the island? It's invisible! It can't be seen by the naked eye, by radar, or by satellite. Unless, of course, I choose to make it visible.
Which I shall do right now, for a very brief window of time. Want to see my secret lair on my secret island?

4 degrees 30'39.26 S
172 degrees 11'00.79 W

Hurry, before it's invisible again.